Saturday 8 May 2010

A Hoy

In my official capacity as Co-Founder(!), I'm making an occasional award to Sairs, at This Lunatic Express





The Rules (which, as is the way with these things, may be flouted!):
1. Pick five blogs that you consider deserve this award based upon any criteria - for example, the quality of the commentary, wit, humour, artwork, overall design, value to you of the information being provided, and so on.

2. The awarding blogger should choose at least two blogs not on his or her own blogroll, the purpose being to encourage variety of reading matter, and to have the person making the award think about what they like to see and read.

3. Your five choices must be published in a dedicated post on your own blog. This post must contain the name of the author (which may be their logon name), and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone. This post should contain brief details of what attracted you to the blog. Details may also be posted in the comments section of "What is a Hoy?"

4. In the same dedicated post, each winner has to show the award and acknowledge the blog that has given him or her the award.

5. Both those awarding and receiving A Hoy must show the link to A Hoy blog, so that everyone will know the origin of this award.

6. When publishing details of the blogs to which you have made your awards, these rules must be published for recipients to follow.

19 comments:

Sairs said...

firstly thank you so much for the award, it means a lot. The only problem is the noisiness inside today, so I will put the award up on my blog, but am not sure I can follow the rules just yet. I've told you about the dissociated stuff and you've commented on it. Well, let's just say that ED is back and is complaining about food and the overall fatness I am suffering from today. The guard at the gate is somewhat anxious because Alice won't stop singing "Incomplete Lullaby" and Sarah cannot concentrate with all that noise. I wish they would just be quiet and stay back. Sorry about the extra long post, I thought it best to explain that I will do this, but not just now. I might see how the noise is tomorrow.
Sarah xx

Radagast said...

Sairs: Well, as I wrote, the rules are for guidance only - I can't enforce them! I must say that I'm very proud of A Hoy - in retrospect, it seems like a simple thing to put together, but I also know that the co-Founders worked their socks off to make the deadline - Tracy, especially.

Who are Alice and the guard? Is that a hearing voices thing, or just different strands of countermanding thought, all competing for space?

Matt

Sairs said...

it's a hearing the voices kind of thing but they are dissociative voices and my new meds, which I started last friday, seems to have shut them up a little, as I can't hear them quiet so well today. I tend to only hear them when I am in the middle of a panic attack and the guard will kinda pull me inside myself (can be good, but can be bad too). Just don't ask me to remember anything anyone says to me at this time because it's like watching but from a long way a way and it's all fuzzy like static. I kind of like it in a way because it feels safe. I know, very messed up.

Radagast said...

So, Alice is your ED voice? And the guard tries to keep her out by warning you about her presence? Do they ever communicate directly, or only via you?

Don't worry: nobody ever gives me any details; generalization is what I do!

Matt

Radagast said...

Correction: I don't *often* get details, for a variety of reasons. In any case, they're not necessarily essential.

Sairs said...

to throw a spanner in the works, Alice is just Alice, I don't know her purpose, she just is, though she does like pink nail polish, lol. ED is the eating disorders voice, you will find most ED patients will hear this voice. The guard protects me when I am in a position where I am going to be or already am emotionally vulnerable. I call him the guard because of the protection thing. Alice and the guard are protectors, ED is a horrible and works to distroy. I know it's all confusing.

Radagast said...

OK. So you've got three voices, two of which you've personnified (Alice is Alice, and the Guard is a protective male, of some sort), but ED is still a thing. I suggest you call him Ed - you'll find it easier to deal with him if you can perceive him as a person, as you do with the others, I think.

I'm still not clear, though - from what you've said, none of the three ever speak to one another, only to you; is that right? I think, perhaps, that these are not "voices," but trains of thought that contradict one another, and merely manifest themselves to you in words. That is, there is nothing illusory about them: they are physical; they are real.

If my experience is anything to go by, there will be a point at which Ed, Alice and the Guard can all agree, and then they will appear to go away (they won't have - they just won't be "arguing" anymore, and so you won't notice them, but don't forget they're there, will you?). I can't choose that point for you - the detail is for you!

Matt

Radagast said...

Oh, BTW, despite appearances, I think Ed is trying to achieve something positive (ie, beneficial to you). What that could be, I've got no idea.

Matt

Sairs said...

they all actually have a face and voices, as in, I know what they look like, they all look different and they're voices are different, both from each other and from me. ED is just called ED because I took his name away a while ago. I don't find him helpful at all as he just tells me how horrible and awful and fat I am and has a constant monologue of the fats and calories in things. Kind of sucks. It takes me a long time to buy food because of all the numbers involved and don't get me started on the food rules that cause me a lot of anxiety. It's funny, my friend call's ED Ed. I just don't see him as an Ed because of how evil he looks. Ed is kind of nice-ish name, he doesn't deserve such a name. I know this is all very confusing. It makes sense to me, but it's hard to explain.

Radagast said...

No, not confusing, really. I think I'm getting the picture, anyway. So there are four of you: Ed, Alice, the Guard and Sarah? Or, put another way, we have Sarah trying to mediate between Ed, Alice and the Guard, when none of them are doing anything other than repeating their various "advice"?

Hmmm. I still have a sense that Ed (what did you used to call him, by the way?), is trying to achieve something positive, simply because it is impossible to be wholly evil, as a simple matter of fact - there's a flipside to everything, in other words. You may not find the way that he's expressing himself helpful - perhaps the thing to do is to try to understand what it is that he's trying to achieve? After all, he may still be trying to do something (or get you to do something), that is no longer relevant, either to you or him (you'd be surprised how many people do things out of habit, long after the purpose has ceased to be served).

Anyway, what does Ed look like?

Matt

Radagast said...

Btw, from experience, I know it can be disconcerting to have somebody question one continuously, so feel free to fire some questions my way, if they occur to you. Also, the questions I'm formulating are predicated upon the objective of having Ed, Alice and the Guard agree on a course of conduct that works for you. I'm talking about them as though they were people at your suggestion, when they are "just" ideas, but I think the metaphor is an appropriate one: they have lives of their own, in a way.

Matt

Sairs said...

I think initially ED was the one to help me lose weight. I was only slightly overweight but he just went way too far and then became obsessional until I ended up anorexic. That is where EDs voice becomes so horrible. I actually named him gollum because he looks so like gollom it's not funny, but he is blacker and has slightly more hair, though the voice is similar. Can you imagine having gollum telling you your fat or whispering to you in the middle of the night that you must not eat tomorrow because the body is too fat, ugly and you don't deserve it. It's funny, I like this questioning in a way, no one has asked me stuff like this before about them because the guard told me not to. I am aloud with people on here because they can't ever know who I am. The guard is very comforting. I really like him and I love Alice. I really really don't like ED because he is nasty to me pretty much all the time.
Sarah xx

Radagast said...

Gollum? He was consumed by the Ring, of course - Smeagol looked more or less like a hobbit, before he acquired the ring, as I remember the book, aright(?). I wonder what Ed was consumed by. Did he always look like Gollum, even when you wanted to lose weight?

I dunno, I feel quite sorry for Ed, in a way. I mean, at one time he was useful, perhaps even needed, and then that need passed and his ideas became redundant, and it didn't matter how strident his voice became, he wasn't regarded as important, anymore. In fact, the more strident he became, the more dangerous and hateful he appeared. And he probably never knew why. If he was a real person, that would have to hurt him: trying to understand, and only knowing he wasn't wanted.

Is communication with Ed, Alice and the Guard just one-way (ie, they say what they say, and no correspence is entered into)? I was just wondering if Ed and the others would somehow get this message - LOL, perhaps that's expecting too much of a metaphor, but if there's one thing I know, it's that nothing is fixed and static, when it comes to the mind.

I've got an idea for you... Write down what Ed says, and then paraphrase his words back to him, as a question, and add something additional, to break up the pattern. Thus:

Ed: You shouldn't eat so much.

Sairs: I shouldn't eat so much? I don't understand - I've been eating like this for ages, and I feel perfectly healthy - what's the benefit to me in eating less?

It's just that I have this thing about statements of fact (and Ed's assertion, above, is phrased as a statement of fact). I dunno, if you question the validity of that fact, then Ed might re-think.

Matt

Sairs said...

I can talk to them. I tell Alice to shut up a lot when she is singing or saying things while I'm trying to concentrate. I guess with Alice, I'm not sure what her purpose is. I haven't figured her out yet. The others are easier to figure out. Unfortunately I've said to Alice out loud in public a few times, 'shut up alice for gods sake, enough with the damn song', which never comes across as very healthy, lol! My dietitian told me that pretty much every Eating Disorders patient she has treated, has the voice and the face of the voice. She said my eating disorders voice is very common and once she saw some drawings made by girls with anorexia in a inpatient program, who drew their internal eating disorders voice and they were the most scary pictures she has ever seen. I guess ED and I fight a lot. I do understand what you are saying however I guess that I find being yelled at inside in public and being told I am fat and hideous (these are ED's words) and that I don't deserve this or that, he comes up with many things. I don't think that's nice and I just can't like him, he is only nice when you do what he says, like starve yourself. When I'm busy working, I can't hear his voice or the others so much, unless I'm anxious. That is the key. Anxiety makes them louder.

Radagast said...

LOL - I guess most people are nice enough when one does what they say. Still, you don't exist for Ed's convenience, and if he's taking his own advice (ie, starving himself), then his Gollum-like appearance is probably the consequence! I suppose if one looks as he does, anybody with a normal bodyfat ratio is going to look overweight!

Alice is an interesting one, isn't she? It looks like Alice just "is"! But, in my experience, nothing "just is," and Alice isn't nothing. Is she singing songs to reflect your mood, or hers, I wonder? Try singing them back to her (more socially acceptable than shouting at her!), and see how they make you feel. I find myself singing "Amarillo" all the time, just now - perhaps I have an Alice of my own, and I'm not aware of it!

Matt

Sairs said...

Did I actually say that when I play the song Alice was singing it seems to settle her. She likes it and she is fine with me going to the next song on my ipod after that. I haven't figured her out at all but I do like her, just not so much when she starts singing, as soon as I go to bed, lol! It reminds me of that movie 'Ghost', where Whoopi Goldberg had Patrick Swayze singing that song to her all night to prove to her she could hear him and it just about drove her batty until she agreed to listen to him. Maybe Alice is trying to tell me something and I'm not listening properly?

Radagast said...

Ah, well now, quite possibly. We think we know what Ed is trying to achieve (and although we perceive that it's detrimental to you, now, it wasn't when Ed first appeared), we think we know what the Guard is doing (protecting you from Ed and possibly other stuff), and we think we know what you're doing (mediating between them).

I thought you might be able to get a handle on what Alice was trying to say by singing her song back to her (if Alice was a person and one takes that mimicry to it's logical extreme, then one would become Alice, and one would have a complete picture of who Alice was and what drove her). Does she only ever sing one song?

You know, it could be that all three of them come to your aid, when you become anxious... They don't know what to do to help, but they do what they can. Their help looks jolly unhelpful (Ed), or completely confusing (Alice), and the Guard... I don't know - does the Guard know what he's guarding, or what he's guarding against?

Matt

Sairs said...

the guard knows he is protecting me from negative emotions, hiding my vulnerable side that can get hurt and ruminate later to end up continuing the bad feeling. Like being bullied in my old job, everytime the bully came into the office, he pulled me in. I'm still there and can see what is happening but the hearing part is kind not really there. It is very muffled, I feel far away and fuzzy and I can't remember anything from a certain point afterwards. As for Alice and her songs, she does sing other ones too, she is singing one right now and it's not the one I had for a week straight. I think Alice is a bit flighty and scatty. She reminds me of an artist that gets caught in the art so much that she forgets the world. Yes, they all do help me at times when I am anxious, no doubt about it. ED just had extreme ways of dealing with anxiety. More maladaptive ways shall we say!

Radagast said...

Oh, I've got a methodology that looks a bit like the Guard. He doesn't protect me, though - he takes over, and goes for all-out attack, but he lets me check whether or not there is a threat, first, and then he moves in when I've run out of ideas. He doesn't really have a name, though. He's fucking ruthless, to be honest; he absolutely won't stop until he's got rid of the threat and anything goes. You know that scene from The Matrix, when Neo and Trinity are choosing weapons from massive racks, before going to rescue Morpheus? Well "Matt, the fucking ruthless" is a bit like that - he's got loads of tools at his disposal.

Mind you, I've had anonymous death threats on this blog, so I'm grateful, really. Bullies don't know when to stop, either, so I guess I know where he learnt that approach.

As for Alice... I've just listened to Lisa Mitchell a couple of times, and I've got no idea, to be honest. It's a song about somebody trying to describe their feelings, but beyond that...

Matt